I came back to life for this?
by Blue Comit
Summary: [Craka Smaka Crossover] MC is inactive! It's up to Sgt. Johnson to pwn the Covenant! Romance in later chapters, and Covenant is still be PWNED! JohnsonXKeys, JimmieXOC. flames expected
1. Badass incarnate

1417 Hours, New Mombassa

"Shake it off Marines! Clear the crash sight, GO, GO, GO!" Sgt. Johnson grabbed his sniper rifle and hopped off the down pelican. The Master Chief was in front of him, still shaking off the effects of the crash.

'What a fucking pansy' the Sgt. thought as he charged ahead. His marines were waiting by the exit. The one taking point held up a single finger letting the Sgt. know an enemy was around the corner. The sergeant peeked his head around the corner and saw a single grunt guarding the exit.

"What are you waiting for, soldier? It's a SINGLE grunt. Go pwn his ass!"

"Pwn, sir?" the marine asked. Johnson let out a long sigh.

"Like this" Johnson slung his rife over his back and charged down the hallway. The grunt turned his head and saw Johnson running toward him. He lifted his plasma pistol, but before he could fire, Johnson ripped off the grunts gas mask and punched him in the face. The grunt drowned in his own purple blood.

The Sergeant walked back to where his dumbfounded troops were standing. "See? Pwned." Johnson walked past his troops and over to where the Master Chief was still standing. "Very funny Cortana… now turn him back on."

"_I didn't do anything Sergeant. The Chief doesn't seem to be moving."_

"Well what the hell could be wrong with him?" The sergeant took off his hat and scratched his head. After a few seconds, the Master Chief started examining his gun. "You are fucking kidding me! Cortana, the master chief is inactive."

"_What? Who starts up campaign mode and then doesn't play?"_

The sergeant placed his hat back on his head. "Well, I guess I'll just have to beat this level myself."

"_But, Sergeant, you're not even in HALF this level."_

Johnson then proceeded to randomly shoot a single shoot out of his sniper into the air, which killed all three of his allies. "I'm moddin, bitch! Now sit tight, this will only take about a couple chapters."

Sgt. Johnson grabbed one of the dead marines grenades and threw it on the ground. Before it exploded, he jumped and was propelled into the air. While in the air, he looked down at the entire Covenant invasion. "Auto reload + Auto aim (7 shots later)"

_Kilimanjaro!_

Sgt. Johnson fell back to earth landing on a half-dead jackal. He took care of the 'half' part.

A marine's voice came over the radio: _"My girls a little big for that courtyard Sergeant. I see a good LZ…Sergeant, where did you get that rocket launcher?"_

"Eat it, bitch." Johnson sent the rocket flying into the unsuspecting marine's pelican, killing him and his crew instantly. Johnson watched as the pelican went spiraling towards the ground. The doors leading out of the courtyard burst open and two Hunters walked through. Upon taking two steps after they spawned they were crushed by a falling pelican, giving Johnson a splatter medal as well as a double kill.

"That little shit must have started the game on easy. Well I guess we won the war."

Checkpoint…

Johnson walked down a long, dark alley. Dumpsters, ammo, and dead marines were all around him. The alley led into a large open area where it appeared that the highway had collapsed. Johnson strolled into the center holding his sniper RVB style.

_**ZAP!**_

Seven jackals simultaneously shot his head. "Thanks. Now I know where you are." Johnson fired seven shots from his rifle, giving him his first Kilimanjaro of the chapter. As the rest of the Covenant in the vicinity proceeded to run for there lives (Which were ended shortly after they gave away there positions) Cortana came on the radio.

"_Sergeant, I need you on that bird!"_

Johnson looked back to where he had blown up the 'bird' Cortana was speaking of. "Bitch, what the hell are you talkin' 'bout?"

"_I'm going to start lifting armored reinforcements into the city. There going to need a pilot who's not afraid of a little 'hostel ground fire'"_

"Are you done yet?"

"_Yeah, sorry. I can't skip the scripted dialog."_

"Whatever. How much farther is it?"

"_There's a group of marines in the next parking lot. There the same marines that no-scoped a jackal, and then noob-comboed an elite."_

Sergeant Johnson wiped a tear from his eye. "I'm so proud of those boys…" When Johnson finished wiping the tears of joy from his eyes, he noticed something shimmering from inside a collapsed building. "No way…" Johnson placed all his remaining grenades on the ground, pulled all there pins and jumped.

The four marines were hiding behind a wall trying to avoid the Covenant's plasma fire. They were formulating a plan were about to execute it when the firing suddenly stopped.

"What the hell?" The commanding officer looked to where the Covenant's suppressive fire had been coming from. Standing over a dead Elite was Sergeant Johnson, holding an energy sword.

"Sir! Were glad you could make it," The marine saluted his superior.

Johnson walked over to the marine. "Soldier, is that a sniper rifle in your hands?"

"Um… yes sir."

"Then tell me, why didn't you charge that plasma turret, jam the barrel of your rifle down that Covenants throat, and shoot him till you ran out of your unlimited bullets?"

"…because Sir, there was no part of that sentence that was physically possible."

"Physically possible?" Johnson ripped the marine's skull from out of his own head, causing a bright light to fill the screen,

**BADASS**

"That wasn't 'physically possible' either, but did it stop _me?_" The marines lifeless body fell to the ground with a look of shock still etched into his features. Johnson then threw the man's skull a grunt that was 100 meters away, giving him both a beat-down and snipe medal. The sergeant strolled over to where the other marines were waiting/pissing there pants.

"Come on marines, the core's not payin us by the hour!" Johnson walked passed them and down a slightly dark hall way that he could see clearly down until a message popped up in the middle of his screen telling him to turn his flashlight on. After it faded away the sergeant saw two Covenant elites turn the corner, and charge him, plasma blazing. Johnson pulled out his energy sword and was about to get the easiest double kill of his life, when he noticed something behind the Elites.

One by one **TWELVE** helpless, easy to kill, in-no-way-endangering-the-human-race grunts came around the corner. Some of them didn't even have weapons. Sergeant Johnson looked at the grunts, then at his sword. Grunts, sword.

"Thank you, Jesus." Johnson walked past the two Elites and proceded to go on one of the longest, bloodiest, most unnecessary 'Grunt-cuttin' sprees ever. The Elites watched with admiration and after the final grunt was dead, applauded the Sergeant.

Checkpoint…

With the two elite's backs turned, the other marines sneaked up behind them. They were about to assassinate them, when Sergeant Johnson decided he still wanted the easiest double kill ever.

"Sir! Why did you do that? We were about to assassinate them!"

Sergeant Johnson turned to the soldier, a look of hatred on his face, "Stop medal hunting!" Johnson then noticed that he had enough energy in his sword for one more kill. With one slash of his sword, he stole the insubordinate marine's gun/life/girl-friend.

_Some where in Oklahoma…_

"Boy I sure can't wait for Sgt. Johnson to get back from the war."

"Sweety," The girl's mother said, over hearing her daydream, "Don't you mean your boy friend?"

"That's who I'm talking about!"

_Back in New Mombassa…_

"Boy, I hope that bitch I just stole isn't ugly." Sgt. Johnson picked up the dead man's sniper and walked to where his ride was waiting.

Sgt. Johnson's ride was a gold plated, civilian style warthog, with turbo, rapid fire wraith turrets, and when it flipped over, it said 'Press X to flip your mom'.

"Dude, I think he's modding." The incredibly stupid marine was suddenly crushed by a banshee.

The Sergeant holstered his side arm and looked at his beautiful new car. Again, he started crying tears of joy at the thought of just how many Covenant he could kill.

"Which is why I must destroy it." The Sergeant shot the Hog with sniper bullets until it exploded. Many of the shoots ricochet and killed his allies, and the explosion killed what was left. "Covenant + Easy to kill NO FUN!"

Sgt. Johnson proceeded to run at super-fast-obviously-modding speed to the nearest Covenant.

_Several minuets of unnecessarily bloody Covenant slaying later…_

"See Cortana. I told you it wouldn't take that long to beat this level. That was, what, 3 chapters?"

"_Sergeant, I have some bad news. As soon as you beat this level, the next one is just going to start. The only way to end this is if you beat the ENTIRE game!"_

"So you're saying that I am going to be forced to kill more Covenant?"

"_Yes Sergeant."_

"So what's the bad news?" Sergeant Johnson stepped over the barrier, thus ending the level, and starting the next.

Sergeant Johnson strolled out of the tunnel and found two marines left in the wake of a scarab.

"Where's the rest of your platoon?"

"Wasted Sarge." A young female marine said who was clearly interested in the sergeant.

"And we will be to Sir, if we don't get the hell out of here!"

Johnson put a hand on the soldiers shoulder, stopping him from leaving. "Are you hit, marine?"

"N-no sir…"

"Then shut the fuck up! Since some nimrod left the Chief inactive I'm going to drive your lazy asses across this bridge, some how get past a huge Covenant roadblock, travel through covenant infested tunnels, get pass a dozen sniping jackals, another road block, 3-4 wraiths, then manage to blow up a scarab that so far, nothing has been able to destroy. Any questions?"

The male soldier raised his hand. "Sir, are you aware that nothing you just said is possible?"

"Boy, don't make me get the BADASS skull. Now get in the Hog! Private you're in the back and the lady is sittin' next to me."

"But sir, I have rocks and would be much more effective if I was in the front!"

"Private! Does your opinion matter to me at all?"

"Sir, those are facts, not opinions"

"Do _facts_ matter to me?"

The private paused for a second "Sir, no sir!"

"Then get in the back!"

The three got in the hog, the private on turret, the chick in shotgun, And Johnson driving.

Checkpoint…


	2. Jimmie?

I just wanted to give a quick shout out too every one who's reviewed so far! you guys really kept me going. especially all the death threats and claims of turning my parents into weapons and killing me with them. thanks a lot guys!

Also, real quick. I decided to add a charecter from the Comic Craka Smaka. If you've never read it before, you should! It is awsome! Do what ever you have to do to get a copy of it ASAP! It will change your life!

* * *

"I got another one sir!" Jimmie said swinging the turret to start firing at another enemy ghost.

"Shut the fuck up, Private!" Johnson swerved to avoid not crashing into a ghost.

"Yes Sir, SJ! Just wanted to let you know I'm doing my part to pwn the Covenant!"

"You call _that_ pwning Covenant!" Sergeant Johnson threw a grenade in front of his own hog. When it exploded, it sent the hog flying into the air and smashing into a covenant banshee. After several mid air flips, it landed back on the ground/2-3 unlucky grunts. "_That_ is pwning the Covenant. Try not to mistake the two again!"

"Yes Sir!"

The sergeant slammed on the breaks when they got to the entrance of the tunnel. As soon as the car stopped, Private Jimmie charged ahead with his rockets determined to prove to Sgt. Johnson that he could pwn Covenant.

"There goes the bravest/stupidest soldier this army has to offer."

"I thought we were in the marines…" the chick said, lifting her head from Sgt. Johnson's namesake.

"Did I say you were done yet, bitch? Get back to work!"

* * *

"Holy shit, Jimmie. What the FUCK were you thinking?"

"What, Sir? I thought you wanted all the Covenant dead."

"Your damn right I want them dead! But by _my _hands!" Sgt. Johnson was thoroughly PO'ed by this turn of events. "How did you even manage to do this?"

"Sir! I did as you told us too. I 'charged there turrets and shoot them with rockets at extreme close range' exactly as you laid out in the training manual." Jimmie held up a pamphlet labeled 'How Crakas should "kill" Covenant'. "I have to say though sir; I felt it was a bit racist for the Corps to only give these out to the white troops."

Jimmie and Sgt. Johnson walked through the tunnel until they met up with the other troops. You know the ones with the shotgun. Yeah, them.

"So, what ever happened to that female marine from earlier, Sir?"

"Oh, her? I sent her home."

"WHAT? But, why Sir?"

"Son, I don't let _pregnant _women fight in this army!"

A second female marine ran up the sergeant holding a shotgun. "It's tight quarters on the other side, Sir. Use this."

Sergeant Johnson stared at the marine. "You want me to trade my sniper rifle… for that piece of **CRAP**!"

"But Sir! The enemy will be at close range! What will you do if the enemy gets up close and you don't have time to zoom in on them?"

"…"

(If you don't know what happened next… go fuck yourself.)

"Jesus, Sir! Did you have to kill all are allies?"

"It's a matter of principle, Jimmie. If I leave any survivors, then people may think that I won't kill them when they ask stupid questions."

After several minuets of Sgt. Johnson no-scoping, beating down, and somehow getting a splatter medal by combining his foot with an Elite's ass, they made it through the underground tunnel. That tunnel led out into a huge open area, where a single jackal guarded the exit.

"All right, Sir. If we sneak up on this jackal we may be able to save some ammo and-"

Sgt. Johnson emptied an entire clip into the Jackal's face. It died of a heart attack before Johnson fired.

"I really should have seen that one coming…"

All at once, every Covenant in the area began shooting at the sergeant and Jimmie. The two ran and hid behind a rock, until sergeant Johnson remembered who he was and ended every non-humans life in the vicinity (plus a few human ones).

_Un-**FUCKING**-believable!_

"Wha? I'm just _now_ gettin that?_"_

"I'm pretty sure most of your kills were on allies and innocent civilians, Sir."

"Your damn right they were! Now, let's steal this dumb son-of-a-bitch's Hog and get out of here."

A dumb son-of-a-bitch drove up to where Sergeant Johnson was standing.

"'Could use you on the gun, Sir."

Sergeant Johnson, boarded his ally's vehicle, threw him out of the driver seat, and beat his ass down… For no reason.

Checkpoint…


	3. Mythic

I needed to fix some typos in this chap so I re-uploaded it. This is my fav chap.

* * *

"I'm getting some serious Deja'vu, sir"

"Shut the fuck up, Jimmie." Sergeant Johnson said, turning the Gauss warthog around to take another pass at the enemy Wraith. Jimmie shot it twice more and it exploded.

"Well, that was the last of them, Sir. I think we should head over to that building with the giant Waypoint marker in front of it."

"No shit? Wow, I never would have thought of that. You know, you are a fucking genius, Jimmie. I'm going to have a talk with my superiors and get you promoted to General. I mean, who, except the great mind of Private Jimmie, would think that the building with the BIG ASS, OBVIOUSLY-THE-PLACE-WE-NEED-TO-GO waypoint marker in front of it was, in fact, the place we needed to go? What are you, some kind of walking GPS system? That can be the only explanation for how you-" (AN: this goes on for a while… will just skip ahead.)

"_Who's in charge now Corporal?" _Cortana somehow omnipresent-ly said.

"Sergeant Banks, Ma'am. He's this way." A soldier led Sgt. Johnson and Jimmie up a flight of stairs and onto a balcony. Corporal Banks was easy to find, as he was the only other Black person on the entire planet.

"When I asked for reinforcements I didn't think they'd-" The corporal turned around. "Sergeant Johnson? What's up, Man?" Sergeant Johnson and Sergeant Banks gave each other one of those black-fist-things that I don't know what there called 'cause I'm a stupid white boy that grew up in the suburbs and is completely ignorant to African-American culture. So much so that I refer to it as 'African-American culture'. "Wow, I can't believe it's you. It's been forever since we last met. You remember? Way back in basic…"

"Yeah, those were good times." Johnson said, thinking back to those days. "Back when the white and black soldiers got different boot camps. Those were the days…"

"Yeah, not a single Craka-ass white boy within 1,000 yards of us."

The entire platoon of all white soldiers got extremely pissed off at the two commanding officers, and in the background, a tank blew up after a Scarab shot it.

"So I see they promoted you to sergeant, Huh?" Johnson said, not giving a shit about the soldiers who just gave there lives defending there country.

"Yep. What were the odds, that the only two black guys in the entire army would be Sergeants?"

Actually, the odds were extremely good. In the year 2112, Craka Smaka stole Congress's ability to make laws not helping black people. This, of course, led to affirmative action. So the army decided that all incoming black recruits would automatically become Sergeants (and since the army was still racist, would never be anything higher) and all white recruits would be every other rank. Because of this, many under-qualified blacks would be given jobs that they were in no-way capable of doing, and many over-qualified whites would be scrubbing dishes (exactly the way Craka Smaka intended it). No one noticed this, of course, because America was to busy sitting on its fat ass, watching who would become the next 'American-Idol'. God bless America.

After the Covenant war began, it was apparent how bad the Government had fucked up. That's why project 'Master Race' was started. The name would later be changed to project MJOLNIR after the Nazis sued for copyright violation. Project MJOLNIR's purpose was to create the perfect white soldier who would pwn the Covenant. However, since every battle that was fought was in outer space, it was a giant waste of money that could have been used to cure cancer, feed the hungry, or house the homeless. Again, no one did anything about the humungous fuck-up, as America was to busy watching Jon Stewart make fun of it on the Daily Show.

Where the fuck was I? Oh yeah… any ways, to sum this Chapter up, Sgt. Johnson blew the fuck up out of that scarab… some how… and Jimmie was there doing stuff. Johnson probably banged some chick for no reason. Many medals were given out. We now join the story already in progress.

"That's right you mother FUCKERS, Run!"

"Not if we can help it Sergeant." Lt. Keys (The hot chick, not the old dead guy) said. She switched channels and started talking to some old person whose name I forget. "Request permission to needlessly go after a retreating ship of Covenant SCUM and Pwn them." Before the old guy could deny her permission, Keys shut off the comm. link and followed the Covenant ship into hyperspace. Johnson was impressed.

_On the Covenant home world…_

"You are FUCKING kidding me." A Prophet was floating around in his hover chair that if you get out of then get back in real quickly the game will freeze. You're telling me, that an entire Covenant armada was pwned by a single soldier," the Prophet sighed "again?"

"Yes, Truth," Tartarus said, following behind the prophet as he floated to the far wall. When the Prophet got there, he hit a switch that revealed a hidden compartment.

"Luckily I planed for such a predicament…" the Prophet reached into the compartment and pulled out a skull.

**Mythic**

Checkpoint…


	4. Thunderstorm

Long time no update. This is a long (well long_er) _chapter. Hope you like it! Oh, and thanks for all **0** of those reviews. Man, without your support i would have given up on this story long ago.

* * *

"Sorry for the quick jump, Sergeant." Keys said over the intercom, "You all right?"

"Bitch, need I remind you of the time Halo **exploded**? Remember how that didn't kill me?" Johnson lit up one of his cigars and sat back in the drop pod.

"Speaking of Halo…" Keys looked out the bridge window. Outside was another Halo. "Sgt, it appears there's another Halo…"

"Another Halo…" the Sgt said, coughing a little in surprise. "Why it must be full of-"

"Easy to kill Covenant scum!" Keys finished Johnson's sentence.

Johnson was stunned. "Damn, that bitch hates Covenant. Before this chapters over, I'm going to bang her."

"Sgt. you are aware that I can here you, right?" Keys said, a little annoyed.

"Yeah. I switched the intercom on so the whole ship knows: I is gonna be bangin you." The Sergeant took a puff of his cigar.

"Am I ever going to get a speaking roll?" Jimmie said, "Oh, there we go." Jimmie sat in the pod next to Johnson. "Excuse me, Lt. Keys? As much as I love this 2' by 2' box, can we get out?"

"Negative, Private." Keys said over the intercom. "Were going to send you and Johnson in to take out the Covenant and clear a landing zone."

Jimmie got a look of concern, "What do you mean by 'send' exactly"

"Hard drop." Keys pressed a button on her console that sent Jimmie and the sergeant hurdling toward the second Halo. Keys thought she heard Jimmie yell something about how he wasn't ODST certified, but she had long since turned off his com link.

* * *

Two orbital drop pods slammed into the ground about 100 yards from a Covenant encampment. Plasma fire filled the air as the doors on the two pods burst open revealing there cargo. Johnson charged out of his pod, sniper in hand. As he charged forward, he picked off a few grunts that were dumb enough to try to take him on. Johnson took cover behind a rock and reloaded.

Jimmie (who was still a bit shocked from the sudden drop) was a second behind the Sergeant. He pumped his shotgun and charged behind Johnson. While Johnson was reloading, Jimmie went ahead, taking out a jackal or two in the process. However, Jimmie noticed something was wrong.

"Sergeant!" Jimmie had to scream over the sounds of plasma fire that were coming from all around. "I think we have a problem!"

Johnson ran up to where Jimmie was crouched behind a boulder, "Watcha talikin' bout, Jimmie?"

A jackal approached on there location. "Here, watch." Jimmie ran up to the jackal and placed an entire shot from his shotgun into the jackal's chest. The jackal took a step backward from the force of the shot, but he hastily regained his balance. He was about to take a shot a Jimmie, but he was to slow. Jimmie fired a second round into the jackal, finishing him off. The jackal's body fell unceremoniously to the ground.

"What the fuck?" Johnson was thoroughly confused. But before he could ponder on this strange event, a second jackal had managed to sneak up on Jimmie. Johnson quickly sighted the Jackals head and pulled the trigger. The bullet passed inches away from Jimmie and went straight through the Jackal's skull. "Well, I'm not having any problems Pwnin'."

"I figured as much." Jimmie said, pulling a book out of his Buttsock (Props Halo Babies!). The book was bound in human skin and written in blood. It was the Necronomicon. "See, its right here. There's this skull that can make Covenant have more health."

Sgt. Johnson was dumbfounded by how much the last paragraph made no sense.

"In other words, if we don't get a head shot, it will just be wasted ammo." Jimmie closed the Necronomicon and put it back in his Buttsock. "We can only hope that they don't find any of the other skulls."

"Jimmie, there are so many things that need to be explained…" Johnson began rubbing his temples.

"I'm white, remember."

Johnson paused for a second, thinking about what Jimmie just said. "Hmmm. Yep, that explained every thing."

* * *

Deep within the temple that are heroes landed next to, several grunts were digging in a hole in the center of the room. A blue and a red Elite supervised them.

"How much longer must we watch these grunts dig?" the blue Elite said in a deep baritone voice.

"Patience brother, once we find this Holy Artifact, the Covenant will be unstoppable!" The red elite smiled a wide smile at the thought of all the humans he would pwn once the Artifact was recovered. One of the grunts started to holler.

"What is it?" the blue Elite demanded, walking toward the grunts. The grunt pointed toward the ground. "Finally, the artifact has been found!"

* * *

"So only head shots, huh? That's not going to be a problem for me." Johnson said, bastard smile in full swing, "But it looks like you're up shit creek without a paddle, Jimmie, since you're stuck with that shotgun."

"What shotgun?" Jimmie slammed a fresh clip into his battle riffle.

"But, wha…?"

Jimmie just shook his head. "Fucking poser." Jimmie began to walk off.

Johnson was tempted to shoot Jimmie in the face with his sniper, but something stopped him. It was as if the very essence of his blackness told him not to kill Jimmie. There wasn't any time for Johnson to ponder about any of this, as the Covenant had managed to surround him and Jimmie while they were talking.

Jimmie was a little worried. "Wha-What's the plan, Sir?"

"Pwn."

* * *

"Yes, Truth, we have located the Holy Artifact. What shall we do now?" The red Elite spoke into a two-way transmitter that was set up outside the temple. Its long antenna glowed with electricity as it awaited the Prophet's response.

"You must carefully remove the artifact from its resting place and simply hold it. The Artifact will do the rest." The Prophet's voice was followed by static as the connection went dead.

The red Elite walked back into the temple where the Holy Artifact still lay. Carefully grasping the smooth round object, he lifted it and held it in his hands.

**Thunderstorm**

* * *

Johnson took the Elites and Jimmie took the grunts and jackals. Every time they pulled a trigger, a Covenant's life was ended.

Jimmie rolled to the side avoiding a wave of plasma fire. "That's the last of the little guys, Sir. I'll see if I can help you with the Elites."

"Ha! There's only 4 left, by the time you reload, they'll be gone." Johnson fired another round, "Make that 3."

All of a sudden, a bright, white light flashed across the sky, blinding both of our heroes. When the light faded, the remaining Elites were wearing all whit armor, and were wielding swords. Even Sgt. Johnson was freaked out by this.

"What the-"

"Sir! We need to get out of here! These guys will tear us to shreds if we don't!"

Johnson regained his composure, and for the first time since back on the first Halo, ordered a retreat. "All right will make a break for those cliffs over there." The Elites, who were initially confused by the sudden change of armor, were beginning to realize there sever advantage. Johnson pulled the pin on one of his grenades and chucked it at the Elites. They instinctively jumped to the side to avoid the blast, and while they weren't looking, Jimmie and the Sergeant retreated.

* * *

"Jimmie, I don't think I need to tell you how pissed I am that we had to retreat, but just in case: **I'M FUCKING PISSED WE HAD TO RETREAT!**"

"I know, Sir. And so am I."

Jimmie and the Sergeant sat in a cave that was well hidden from the Covenant's Banshee patrols.

Johnson let out a sigh. "So what was that any way?"

"Thunderstorm skull. It changes all Covenant into the perfect killing machine. There shield generators are impossible to breach. We'd need something on the scale of an Orbital MAC gun to put a dent in them."

"You're kidding…"

"I wish I was. The skull is that strong. But it's not even the strongest of them…"

"Well back to the problem at hand." Johnson cut off Jimmie's admiration, "How are we supposed to beat them?"

"Well, the way I see it is, With the Mythic skull activated they'll be able to survive **literally** anything. With Mythic beefing up there health and Thunderstorm preventing there weaknesses from being exploited… there invincible."

"Wrong. The day some Covenant bastard, let alone all of them, becomes invincible will be the same day he fights for are side. The Human race hasn't lost a war yet, and we sure as hell ain't goona lose one on my watch!"

"But what can we do? The have no weakness!"

"Then will give them one! Look, when they only had the Mythic skull, they were going down easy. If the only thing that's changed is that now they have better shields, then we just have to take them away."

"What?" Jimmie asked, puzzled.

"We just need to come up with a way to get ride of there shields and we can go back to pwning them. If only we knew a way to… I dunno, _steal _there shields from them."

Jimmie, with a smile on his face, pulled out his phone, and dialed a number. "Hey, CK? What's up man?"

Checkpoint…


	5. Craka Smaka arrives

Wow, if you've never read the Craka Smaka comics, this story ain't goona make shit sense. My chaps are progressivly getting longer, so hopefully i will soon break the 1/1000 chapter/words ratio. Oh, and if any one out there thought that Sgt. Johnson didn't bang that girl, you is be wrong.

Thanks for all the reviews by the way. My favorite are the death threats and claims of not acuratly protraying the characters from Craka Smaka. Any to any questions as to why Sgt. hasn't gotten a scarab gun yet, just wait.

* * *

"He can steal…_ anything?_" 

"Yep."

"You're sure?"

"Oh, yeah. He's been doing it for _years_"

Sergeant Johnson and Jimmie were still in the cave waiting for Jimmie's friend to show up. A Covenant patrol banshee cruised by over head. It was only a matter of time before the Covenant found them.

"So, what, is he like a descendent of Craka Smaka?" The Sergeant asked, puzzled.

"_Descendent? _He _is _Craka Smaka!" Jimmie exclaimed.

"Wait… _the _Craka Smaka. But, he would have to be… what 500 years old?"

"Yeah, something around there. I think we stopped doing birth days around 150"

"Whoa, wait. _We?_ You mean you're Craka Smaka's… sidekick guy?"

"He refers to me as: side-craka"

If there was ever a time Johnson was more confused, he couldn't remember. But with every thing that's happened so far… he was still pretty fucking confused.

"You know what, what ever. I don't care if he is the real Craka Smaka, or not. As long as he can help us Pwn theses fuckin noob-ass Covenant!"

Just as the Sergeant finished his sentence, the sound of two Covenant banshees was heard landing outside. Johnson and Jimmie listened as the footsteps slowly approached the entrance of the cave. Johnson prayed that Jimmie's friend would show up quick or they were done for.

Two Elites came into sight at the entrance of the cave, strutting in with an expression Johnson had never seen before. Something other than fear.

"Well Human, are you prepared to die?" The red Elite spoke while lifting his plasma rifle and aiming it at Johnson's head.

"You fucking modders!" Jimmie yelled at the Elite, "What, you sucked so bad that you have to fight using mods? I'm leaving feed back on your asses!"

The two Elites were thrown off by the sudden out burst, but just shook it off. The Elite prepared to fire, but stopped. Electricity flared around them, and then fizzled away.

"What? What happened to our shields?" The first Elite asked.

"There… There gone." The second elite finished his sentence at the same time his head exploded, followed shortly by the explosion of the other Elite's head.

Jimmie and Johnson looked at the two headless Elite's bodies on the floor, confused. A tall black man stood at the entrance of the cave.

"Jimmie, this is the last time you go and fight some war without me."

* * *

"Lt. Keys, were getting confirmed reports of the Covenant being un-killable. It seems there using some kind of Forerunner technology to increase the power of there shields." 

Lt. Keys didn't hear a word the soldier said. She was still in afterglow of when Sgt Johnson banged her.

'How did he bang me when he was in that drop pod falling to Halo?' Keys thought. 'It defies all laws of physics…'

* * *

"Wait, you called a _black _man a 'fucking poser'?" Craka Smaka asked, extremely pissed. Before Jimmie could plead his defense, much-less ask _how _CK new he had said that, Craka Smaka shot Jimmie in the head with his trusty side arm: Ebony. 

Jimmie fell to the ground.

"What the fuck are you doing!" Johnson asked, pissed as hell. "_I _was going to kill him!"

"I'm not dead," Jimmie said, rising from the ground. "CK _stole_ my ability to die. But that doesn't stop it from hurting like hell!"

As soon as Jimmie was on his feat again, Sgt. Johnson shot infinite bullets into Jimmie's head with his sniper. CK was impressed.

* * *

"Commander!" A blue-armored Elite ran to where a gold-armored one was standing. "Sir, the patrol we sent out to find the two humans have not reported in. What action do you wish to take, Sir?" 

The white Elite was concerned about this. The only reason an Elite would dare not report in was if he was dead.

'The Humans could never have found a way to take out our shields. But if that's true then how…' The Commander shook the thought out of his head.

"Send a team of Spec. Ops. to where the patrol team landed. I want them in full battle dress. Take no chances."

The blue elite was confused as to why the Commander would send a Spec. Ops. team on such a small assignment, but he dared not question the Commanders orders. The blue Elite left leaving the Commander to think.

'I'm not going to make the mistake of underestimating those humans like that heretic Commander of the _Truth and Reconciliation_. Those Humans are strong, but even _they_ are no match for my Spec. Ops.'

* * *

"Word just came down from command." A white armored Elite spoke to a room full of seven other white armored Elites. "We got a new assignment." 

"What's the target?" the tallest of the Elites asked while inspecting one of his plasma riffles.

"Last they checked, it was only two Humans. But there proving to be troublesome. Commander wants us in full battle dress. No fuck ups." The white Elite concluded his statement and the other Elites rose to there feet.

"Sir, Yes Sir!" The Elites said in unison. They gathered there equipment, and headed for the launch bay.

* * *

Johnson didn't think it was possible, but he was tired of sniping Jimmie in the head. That, however, did not stop him from shooting one more clip into his face. 

Johnson reloaded his sniper and turned toward CK. "So, tell me again how you got here?"

"Simple, I was sittin' at home, by home I mean some stupid-ass craka's home that I stole, watchin' TV, when Jimmie called me up. So I stole my own ability to not be here, and here I am."

There was no part of that explanation that a non-fan of the Craka Smaka comics would understand. Before Johnson could ask 'what the fuck is you talking about', CK stole his own explanation's ability to not make sense.

"Oh, I understand now." Johnson said, still confused as hell. Jimmie was just getting to his feat.

"Well if were done shooting me, I think we should get back to pwning Covenant." Johnson shot Jimmie one last time, than pulled out his radio.

* * *

"_In-amber Clad come in, this is Sgt. Johnson, over." _

"Sgt. Johnson, this is In-amber Clad. What is your status, over?"

"_Were fine. We'll have the LZ clear by 0900 hours. Make sure all the troops are equipped with battle riffles."_

"Roger that Sgt. Johnson. We'll be ready to land at 0900- aughhh!"

Lt. Keyes pushed the communications officer on the ground and grabbed the radio out of his hands.

"Johnson! Where have you been? You never called me!" Keys began to pout, "You still love me right?"

Johnson cursed under his breath. "_Uh, yeah, baby. You know I love you. How have things been?"_

Keys instantly cheered up. "Well, I just got my hair done, and-" Johnson cut her off.

"_Oh, baby, I think your breaking up – Krrrrch – I got to go – Krrrrch – There's Covenant every where- Krrrrch – Bye."_ Johnson turned off the radio.

"That's it!" Keys said, throwing the radio on the ground, "I'm going down there."

* * *

"Dammit." Johnson said switching off the radio, "That chick I banged is a total fucking psycho." 

"You mean Lt. Keys?" Jimmie asked.

"Was that her name? Well it doesn't matter. I'm sure she'll have forgotten about me by the time we get back to the ship."

Jimmie just shook his head at the Sergeant's overwhelming ignorance of women. Jimmie also practically shat himself when he saw eight white armored Spec. Ops. Elites standing at the entrance of the cave.

"All right, here's the plan," Johnson said, putting a sight on one of the Elite's heads. "CK, you take there shields; Jimmie, you run around screaming like a little girl; I'll Pwn. Ready, Go!"

Johnson fired at the Elites head, only to watch as the Elite take a step back, and then stand upright again, as if nothing happened.

"What the fuck? CK, why didn't you steal there shields?" Johnson asked, puzzled.

"There shields are back to the normal 4 head shots kills them. My power only extends to being able to steal _intangibles_, like the skulls ability to make there shields stronger." Craka Smaka held up one very confused Elite's plasma riffle. "Every thing else I steal, is pure skill." SK transformed the plasma riffle into a (aptly named) Bastard sword. After stealing his own ability to not be directly in front of the Elite farthest to the left, Craka Smaka brought his sword down hard on the Elites head, eating threw his shield and into his skull.

Johnson fire the remainder of his clip into the first Elites head, the last shot breaking threw his shield and taking him down. He hopped to the side avoiding a barrage of plasma fire and reloaded.

Jimmie, who had been doing his job extremely well, tripped over something. He gasped when he saw what it was. "No way…" Jimmie picked up the round object.

**Sputnik**

* * *

"_Ma'am, I strongly advise you reconsider."_ Cortana said, over the ship's speaker system. 

"Fuck you bitch. Just cause you're a computer you think you're smart? You don't know shit."

"_Well at least my man didn't leave my ass after a booty call."_

"At least my man _can_ perform. The MC had so many augments he can't even get it up!"

"_Bitch, I'm a fucking_ hologram. _Why would I ever need him to get it up? Besides, last I check, your not even Sgt. Johnson's woman. He dumped your ass and you're too stupid to figure it out!"_

"Johnson would never do that to me! Not after what we did together. He loves me and I'll prove it!" Keys jumped aboard a pelican and closed the doors. The airlock opened to the outside and the ship started flying toward Halo.

* * *

"Guys, move out of the way!" Jimmie screamed, holding a rocket launcher over his shoulder. Johnson was about to tell Jimmie that a rocket don't do shit to a Spec. Ops. shield, but Jimmie had already fired. 

The rocket hit right in front of the Elites and the explosion sent them flying over the hills and into the horizon. Jimmie was very pleased with himself. Craka Smaka and Johnson on the other hand, were pissed as hell.

"You dumb ass! Why did you do that?" Johnson said, using every ounce of his self-control to not shoot Jimmie in the head.

"You don't even want to know _how _I did that?" Jimmie asked.

"I don't give a fuck _how _you ruined my pwning Covenant. And a better question would be, _how _do you plan on surviving the beating I'm about to put on you?"

"Um… by telling you we only have 2 more minuets till the Pelicans land and we ain't done shit to clear that LZ."

"I fucking hate it when you're right." Johnson said, he turned toward CK. "Can you steal are ability to not be at the LZ pwning Covenant?" As Johnson finished his sentence, he shot a bullet from his sniper rifle into the face of the last Covenant at the LZ.

"Sorry, did you say something?" Craka Smaka said, removing his Bastard sword from a dead Elite's stomach.

"That was pretty fucking cool, CK" Jimmie said, reloading his rockets. He transformed them into a pistol for easy carrying.

Johnson, tired of being confused, decided to just accept what was happening and radioed the Pelicans. "The LZ is clear. You can start your approach."

"_Sure thing, Johnson." _Lt. Keys said, over the radio.

"Was that Lt. Keys?" Jimmie asked turning toward Johnson.

Johnson looked confused, "Who?"

Checkpoint...


	6. Pelicans don't have Warp Drives

Comit is a Dirty word.

That's right Biotches and Sons of Biotches, this chapter wasn't written by Blue at all. Don't worry though, I'll try to keep the same ideals of Bad Assery in mind. Considering I _invented_ them…

Oh, and in my defense: I don't forget all of their names.. Sometimes I remember a name… that doesn't happen to belong to them. (Sorry Julia.. whatever your real name was…)

"Well, this game save is obviously fucked." Johnson said as Cortana said all of her Cinema Speeches that the trio had skipped in unison. "Plus, there are so many skulls active that I'm not sure what the laws of physics are right now."

"Whatever.. this is fucking boring. If Jimmy can pwn these guys, this is obviously way too easy." CK said. "It's time to take a little detour."

"What do you mean, CK?" Jimmy said pussy-ly.

Smacka pointed off into the distance where a Pelican class dropship was approaching. "We're going for a ride"

* * *

Lieutenant Keyes was brimming with excitement. Finally she could see him again! She scanned the LZ and saw 3 Men standing in the center on a pile of Covenent corpses. _What the hell? Who are those two?_ Two of the men were wearing standard Marine Uniforms, covered in blood… but the third was dressed in Civilian gear with not a scratch or stain on him. She pulled the Pelican around and began her descent. The three piled into the Pelican with the Civilian taking the lead. "Hey, who's the-"

CK glared into the Lieutenants eyes. "You two know her?" Jimmy nodded and Johnson scratched his chin pensively. CK turned his attention back to the lieutenant. "I'm guessing you're the Pilot? Then you an fly this heap?"

"Of course I… wait.. I don't think I can…"

"OK, strap in people. We're about to have some fun." CK hopped into the cocpit and flared the engines.

"What the hell is going on?" Keyes demanded. "Why is this civilian flying the Pelican? And why can't I fly it anymore?"

"Woman, do you know who that is? That's fucking _Cracka Smacka _I'm not even sure how the hell you're still alive." Johnson explained. "You're best bet is to lay your head in my lap and find something to distract you from your impending death."

Jimmy was in awe, most likely suffering from Bad-Assery overload. He stood up and stumbled over to one of the viewports. "Oh, Snap! Guys, we're in trouble!" Outside the window, a fleet of Covenant Battleships and Flagships were beginning to surround the small spacecraft. "We don't have any weapons that can hurt those things! What are we gonna do, yo?"

"Damn, Shut the fuck up, Jimmy!" CK yelled. "Hand me your Gun. We need a MAC Cannon, right?"

* * *

A group of Elites were standing, facing a large projection of a Prophet. "We have them surrounded now. In space they are powerless in every way. You'll have your Corpses soon."

"Do not disappoint me again," the holograph crackled. "It will be the last mistake you make." The hologram dissipated and the Elites focused their attention on their leader. "Fucking Asshole.. He does know he gets Beat down by the Master Chief, right?"

"No sir, that's a huge ass spoiler."

"Whatever… I can't wait till we go turncoat on them and get to start killing Jackals and Brutes. Anyway, what's the status of the Dropship?"

"They've taken 3 so far… but they should run out of ammo soon…"

"What the hell are you talking about…"

"Well, sir… we scanned the Machine and it appeared to have no weapons of any threat to us… Then.. a large Cannon… appeared on the ship."

The leader stood stunned for a moment. "Disable that Cannon immediately!"

"Well… we did, sir. After he shot down 2 ships, we were able to successfully disable the weapon while it was in it's cooldown stage."

"Then how was the third ship destroyed?"

"It seemed to have been destroyed by… a Plasma torpedo."

* * *

"Now _this_ is what I'm talking about!" CK yelled as he fired another plasma torpedo. _Killamanjaro. Un-fucking-believable._

"How the hell are you doing that? I thought you couldn't steal Tangible objects…" said Johnson in awe.

"Pfft… that's Blue Comit's weird theory… I steal what I want when I want it. The only reason I didn't steal the Covenant's shields outright is because it would have been too easy."

"Wow, that's way more Bad Ass," Johnson said. It was true.

"OK, all that's left is the main flagship. Everyone strap in. We're about to jump."

The lieutenant's head sprung up suddenly. "Wait a second… Pelicans don't have Warp Drives," she said, stating the obvious. "Even if they did, they don't have the proper shielding for Hyperspace.. this is insane!"

Jimmy chuckled. "Fucking n00b."

* * *

"Sir, a transmission from the Human's Spacecraft. Putting it on-screen now."

"How's it goin' you alien bastards," came Johnson's through the hologram.

"So, you are the cause of all this destruction. This transmission must mean you know you can't defeat us. Did you wish to negotiate a-"

"Yeah, didn't ask for your life's story, fool. Now, unfortunately, if we blow your sorry asses up, CK here won't be able to steal your ability to navigate Hyperspace. This is a problem, as I really fucking hate you guys. So here's what's gonna happen. We turned Jimmy's gun into a nuclear bomb set to detonate as soon as we arrive at our destination. I'm going to need you to come over here and bring it back to your ship for me."

"Absurd! Why the hell would I do that?"

CK laughed as his famous grin spread accross his face. "Because a nuclear detonation ain't shit compared to what I can do with Equality here." CK then brandished his Bastard Sword.

The Commander thought long and hard about what he was going to do. After a moment, he opened a comm port. "I need.. a small vessel to travel to the ship."

"Sir…."

"I won't return to the ship with the explosive. I'll remain in the vessel alone." He then turned his attention back to the hologram. "Fine, human. I am coming aboard now."

* * *

The Pelican and the covenant ship docked. The commander strolled onto the Human ship with his head held high. He turned his attention to the humans. "Give me the explosive, filth." 

Sergeant Johnson and CK stared at the Elite incredulously. "Oh, _HELL,_ no," they said in unison. CK walked up to the Elite and made a quick motion with his hand. He then turned to the three marines. "Pwn him."

"Wait.. don't we need him alive?" Keyes asked as the two male marines fired round after round into the Elite's skull and CK cut him over and over with his Bastard Sword. Naturally, she received no response. "Whatever.." she sighed as she unloaded her pistol.

After ten minutes, the firing ceased and the Elite tried to rise to his feet. While he was struggling patheticly, CK spoke. "OK, kid. There are two things that can happen. Number one: you bring this bomb back to your ship; it explodes; you die along with your crew; everyone important is happy. Or, number two: you're a dumb-ass; you don't bring the bomb back to the ship; the bomb explodes; you float in a vacuum forever in infinite pain until we come back for you and kill you some more. Then we hunt down and kill your crew. Everyone important is still happy. Maybe more happy than in example one. Whatever you do, I don't care. Later." With that, they tossed the elite back into his spacecraft and took off into hyperspace. The commander prepared to return to his ship.

Checkpoint...


	7. Final Battle

Here is the long awaited finale to my Halo story. I woud usually lie about why it took so long to update, but I was just lazy. any ways, Enjoy.

* * *

Sgt. Johnson sat down in one of the seats in the Pelican. He was confused as fuck as to A. how the events that just occurred involving that enemy Elite were able to take place in the notoriously small space inside of the Pelican, and B. Why the FUCK they were in outer space. It was as if the author had forgotten that they were on Delta Halo and assumed they were still on earth because he hadn't read ANY of the previous chapters. It could also be assumed that he was a bastard and an asshole for RUINING my story. But any ways.

"Well, for some reason we decided to go into space" Sgt. Johnson said too the others onboard, "so I guess we had a good reason too." He looked around at everyone's blank faces. "What? Didn't we have a reason for going into space?"

"I thought we were still on earth," Jimmie said scratching his head.

"You dumb ass," Ck said, looking angrily at Jimmie, "we were obviously on Delta Halo. Weren't you there for the previous 7 chapters?"

"Oh yeah, I must be a dumb ass! Good thing I didn't assume this for a Fan Fiction and totally ruin the story."

"Yes, lets all be thankful you weren't that dumb." Lt. Keyes said, making it obvious how mad the author was at Neo. "Hey, who's flying the pelican right now?" she asked.

There were so many continuity flaws in the story already that no one bothered to answer her. She was pissed off by this, but again, no one cared.

"Since were in space and some how have a warp drive," Sgt. Johnson began, "plus we were able to find out where the Covenant home world is from that Elite we interrogated/pwned, I guess we should go there."

While it made absolutely no sense for only four people to go and take on the entire Covenant home world, the author was clearly running out of ideas for shit to do, and quite frankly, would rather be writing his BBxRae fan fiction than this piece of shit, so a quick end to this story would be nice.

* * *

The two prophets we sitting at a table along with three gold Elites having a heated debate.

"This is outrageous!" one of the gold elites exclaimed, slamming his fist down on the table, "How dare you replace the royal guards with these Brutes!"

"Careful commander," the prophet Truth said, raising a hand to calm the Elite down, "What you speak is heresy."

"Then so be it!" The Elite said getting to his feat, "If we will not be given the respect we deserve, than we will disband from the Covenant!"

"Yes!" the second Gold Elite said getting to his feat as well, "The only thing that could prevent a civil war now would be if the enemy was to suddenly come crashing to our home world wishing to 'Pwn' us all."

The third Elite got to his feat, "And what are the odds of that?" he scoffed.

Suddenly a blue clad Elite came in, "Sir," the Elite said, "We just received a distress signal…"

* * *

The Pelican entered the atmosphere and began cruising above the various Covenant installations.

"Where should we land?" Keyes asked, looking at the three soldiers eager to pwn some Covenant scum.

"Over there," The Sgt. said, pointing to a large metallic dome.

Keys set the ship down a few yards from the massive structure. Upon landing the four disembarked, Johnson with his signature sniper rifle, Keys with dual SMGs, Jimmie with his rocket launcher, and CK unarmed and the most lethal. They walked over to the large structure's door, next to which was a sign written in an alien language.

"Keys, translate what that sign says." Sgt. Johnson ordered the superior officer.

The Lieutenant holstered her two guns and checked her translator. "The sign says: 'Grunt Infirmary.'" she said.

Everyone looked at the Sgt., who had been stunned into silence. His mouth was hanging open. His eyes had gone wide. After a few seconds, he said "you- your telling me… that this building is full of harmless, un-armed, half-dead Grunts?"

"Y-yes," the Lt. stuttered, staring at Johnson's massive erection.

Johnson looked down at his rifle, "This is weighing me down!" he yelled, throwing his sniper on the ground. Johnson charged forward, and immediately after he entered the building, the sounds of grunts crying for mercy and screaming in pain could be heard from inside. Even Craka Smaka was inspired by this display of racial genocide.

**

* * *

**

The blue Elite continued, "We received a transition from the Grunt Infirmary that an intruder had entered the building and began Grunt Cuttin'."

The Gold Elite let out a sigh of relief, "Whew, you had me worried. So, it's just some Elite that got bored. What's the big deal?"

"But it's not an Elite, Sir!" the Elite exclaimed, "We've gotten confirmed reports that there's a _human _in there killing the grunts. We also have gotten reports that the human keeps yelling about how he's gust getting started and that he's going to Pwn all the Covenant! But it's hard to hear him over the screams of pain and sounds of collapsing skulls coming from the background," All the Elites got a frightened look.

The Prophet Truth merely smiled, "So it seems that we must band together if we are to defeat these enemies," he said.

The Elites turned to the Prophet and in unison yelled, "Fuck that!" In the blink of an eye, almost every Elite on the planet had fled.

The Prophet sat there stunned at this show of cowardice/inelegance, "Shit."

* * *

"He's probably going to be awhile," Keys said, still half shocked and half turned-on by Johnson's actions. She turned toward CK and Jimmie, "Why don't we split up, you two go and try to find the Prophets and kill them. I'll stay with Johnson and have sex with him." Keys didn't even try to hide her intentions.

"That's a horrible plan," Jimmie said angrily, "but I guess we've go nothing better to do…" CK and Jimmy walked off towards what looked like a giant Holy building. "You know CK, Johnson acts a lot like you…"

"Yeah, I know," CK said, "I'm like his great granddad or somethin',"

"Wow, seriously?"

"Yeah, remember? You were there. It was that time when I stole your car and drove off with that chick who's name I can't remember."

Jimmie stopped dead in his tracks, amazed and ashamed at how little that narrowed it down.

* * *

Tarturus stood in front of a legion of his bravest and strongest Brutes. Each one was armed to the teeth with weapons, some literally.

"Listen up!" Tarturus yelled, "The cowardly Elites have fled our home world, so it is up to us to eradicate this new enemy that has so stupidly landed here." A triumphant roar went up from the Brutes. "Now go, and exterminate all the arrogant humans on this planet and after words we shall hunt down every remaining Elite traitor still on the planet!" Another roar went up as the Brutes pilled into the Phantoms.

Fari' Kianall, one of the few Elites still on the planet that had not been captured, was hiding behind a weapon storage container inside the hanger. She had overheard Tartarus' speech, and knew she had to find a way off the planet, or she would surly die.

Fari' got a smile on her face, "The enemy of my enemy…" she said, sneaking off into the shadows.

* * *

Sgt. Johnson waded through the knee-deep Grunt blood and gore that had accumulated on the floor. A smile of pure bliss was on his face. Johnson walked out of the infirmary, wondering if he could be any more badass.

"Oh, Johnson!" Keys called out, waving at Johnson.

Johnson walked over to Keys with an angry look on his face, "Bitch, why ain't you be naked!"

"Wha-What?" Keys asked, nervously.

"Nakedness, you ain't got enough of it!" Lt. Keys was stunned into silence by Johnson's lack of foreplay. She began to take off her clothes. "Bitch, there's no time for that now! I gots to go kill Covenant!" Keys stopped in mid-strip and again was stunned into silence.

"So, what are we gonna do?" Keys asked.

Johnson looked over at a nearby Ghost, "Both."

* * *

"You know what I just realized, CK?" Jimmie asked, reloading his rocket launcher. Smaka grabbed one of the dead Jackal's limbs as it flew through the air. It was instantly turned into a Hellsing style gun, and then was used to end a second Jackal's life.

"What's that, Jimmie?" Ck said, doing… I dunno, somethin' badass.

"In this entire story, you didn't once bang some chick and forget her name." Jimmie said, firing another rocket into a group of Jackals. "What's up with that?"

"I did," CK answered, "It was just way too graphic to appear in this story."

"Wha! This story's rated 'M'!" Jimmie said, stating the obvious, "What could you have possibly done that would be considered too graphic for 'M'?"

"This coming from the guy who drank vagina blood…"

"Dude! No one is going to catch that reference!" Jimmie launched another rocket.

CK grabbed another Jackal limb from the air and turned it into a clip. He slammed the clip into his gun and continued mowing down Jackals. "No ones going to get _half_ the references in this story! I mean, does anyone know who Craka Smaka is? Or Jimmie for that matter? Or does anyone understand that some asshole hijacked the authors account and fucked up the story? HELL NO! But that is in no way going to stop the author from making references to it. Plus, it makes for great filler and scene transitions."

* * *

Gorgon, the most seasoned of all the veteran Brutes, stood along side his fellow warriors, preparing for the enemy's arrival. A report had just come threw that an unaccounted for Ghost was headed at top speed toward there location. Gorgon loaded a clip of grenades into his bruteshot, just as he had done in countless battles before. The Brutes at his side did the same. Nothing was going to get past this blockade.

In the distant horizon, Gorgon saw a small dust cloud forming. He pulled out his binoculars to get a better look. "…what are those two _doing_ on that Ghost?"

A bullet flew through the lens of the binoculars, and continued through Gorgon's skull. A few seconds later, the sound of someone yelling 'no scope' could be heard.

* * *

Fari' watched as the two human warriors walked over the bodies of the toughest Jackal fighting force the Covenant had. The skilled snipers of the 101st Jackal brigade had mowed down herds of Hunters during their taming. And these two humans had obliterated them in a matter of minuets.

"If anyone can help me, it's those two."

Fari' hid behind a bush and awaited the warriors to approach. Before she could reveal herself, five wraiths drove over the nearby hill and opened fire. Craka Smaka stole his own absence of ownership of a warthog and transformed it into a warthog. That last sentence made no sense. Before Craka Smaka drove off, Jimmie yelled, "Dude, where you going? We can easily beat these guys!" Craka Smaka drove off yelling something about a plot twist. "Well that sucks…"

Jimmie fired two rockets at the nearest wraith and jumped out of the way of several wraith shots. The explosion sent him flying through the air and rolling across the ground, behind a nearby bush. The last thing Jimmie saw before passing out was a surprised Elite.

* * *

Lt. Keys was impressed, to say the least. Not only did Johnson 'no scope' an entire legion of Brutes while driving a ghost, but he did it while bangin the fuck outa her. A feat this badass had never been performed in all of history. Except maybe in that one other Halo/Craka Smaka crossover. There was some badass stuff in that story. 'Our ability to fly. It's… it's gone!' Holy shit that was awesome…

Johnson and Keys walked through the streets of the Holy city. All the civilians had long since been evacuated, and only what little of the Military personnel that remained had set up a perimeter around the Prophet's cathedral. The streets were desolate, and the only sounds were the two sets of footsteps coming from the Marines. A few hundred yards away from the cathedral, Lt. Keys stopped.

"Johnson, wait." Keys said stopping in her tracks. "If we get any closer they'll spot us."

"So?" Johnson said, still walking.

"Sooo, some of us aren't immortal."

Johnson stopped and sighed, "Fine. I guess I could pick off a couple from on top of this roof," he said pointing a thumb to the building next to him, "_then _will charge in there blindly."

Johnson and Keys climbed to the top of the building. Johnson set up his rifle and looked through the scope. A perimeter of Brutes, Jackals and a few Wraith tanks stood between them and the end to this war.

"What do you see?" Keys asked, curious.

"Take a look for yourself," Johnson said, ripping the scope off his sniper. He handed the scope to a shocked Keys.

"Johnson… isn't the scope essential to effective sniping?"

Johnson got angry as hell, "Bitch, I've _killed_ people for saying such blasphemy." Johnson looked back toward his enemy and fired off four shots. A split second later, five brutes fell down dead.

"Holy shit!" Keys exclaimed, looking through the scope, "How did you do that? They were wearing helmets…"

"There's a reason they give me the sniper," Johnson said, slamming another clip into the rifle.

* * *

Grayom was in command of the Brute infantry guarding the south side of the cathedral. He watched, as if in slow motion, five of his Brutes collapse onto the ground, chunks of their skulls missing. A split second later, he heard the sound of four shots.

"Sniper!" he shouted, "Everyone take cover!" The other Brutes did as ordered, ducking behind wraiths and weapons storage units. The Jackals were already crouching behind there shields. Grayom ducked behind a nearby communications tower. He grabbed the receiver and called for air support, "We got a sniper picking us off!" he yelled into the mic, "Request air support, quickly!" Grayom got a confirmation and hung up the receiver.

The next sound that was heard was the sound of a bullet ricocheting of a nearby wall, then the sound of Grayom's brains splashing to the ground, then the sound of the sniper shot, then the sound of someone yelling 'no scope'.

* * *

"Nice shot!" keys yelled, confirming another kill through the detached sniper scope. Johnson ignored her enthusiasm and loaded another clip into his rifle. "Hey, how come you never seem to run out of ammo?" Keys asked.

"It's called the Unified Theory of Badassery," Johnson explained, "'if someone who is badass requires something to be badass, then the person will always have it, for the badass can not cease to be badass.' I mean, would I be as badass as I am now if I ran out of ammo? Hell no. Therefore I will never run out." Keys gave him a confused look. "What didn't you learn all this in your high school badassery class?" Keys gave Johnson an even more confused look. "Oh, right. You're white…"

Keys didn't have time to be offended by this because just then three banshees opened fire on them. Lt. Keyes and Sgt. Johnson both rolled out of the way of the fire. Keys drew her two SMGs and opened fire on the nearest Banshee. The banshee tried to pull up, but Keys was able to unload both clips into the banshee. Both the Banshee's wings blew off and the aircraft went plummeting into the streets below.

"Don't waist ammo like that!" Johnson yelled at Keys, "This a war, son!" Keys fire a single shot from his riffle at the second Banshee. Before keys could tell Johnson that Banshees are completely unaffected by sniper shots, the Banshee exploded.

"Holy Linda, Johnson! That was amazing!" Keys said, astonished. Johnson aimed his rifle at the last Banshee, "Wait!" Keys cried stopping Johnson from pulling the trigger, "I think I'm starting to understand all this 'badass' stuff." Keys dropped her two SMGs to the ground, "leave the last one for me."

The final Banshee dove down towards Keys firing its main gun. Keys easily dodged the blue plasma and got into position. As the Banshee pulled up from its nosedive, Keys jumped and grabbed onto the Banshee's wing. The Banshee flew up into the air in an attempt to shake loose Keys, but it was too late. Keys popped open the hatch, threw the massive brute out of the cockpit, and sent him falling to his death. At least he would have fallen to his death, had Johnson not no scoped him in mid air. Keys climbed into the cockpit and flew off towards the cathedral.

"_I'll meet you at the cathedral, Johnson,_" Keys said over the intercom, "_I'm going to go take care of the Wraiths._"

Johnson wiped a tear from his eye, "I'm so proud…"

Just then, Johnson heard a honking sound come from the streets below. He looked over the side of the roof and saw CK in the driver seat of a warthog. Johnson jumped off the roof and landed in the side seat of the warthog. Words were not needed. Their badassery was understood.

* * *

Jimmie awoke staring into the coal black eyes of an Elite. Jimmie wanted to run, but the Elite pinned him down. So he did the next best thing,

"AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!" Jimmie screamed at the top of his lungs. The Elite got startled and took a step back, giving Jimmie enough room to get up. Jimmie made a bolt for the door.

"Wait!" the Elite yelled, stopping Jimmie in his tracks. Unless Jimmie was mistaken, that was a female's voice.

"Wha-What?" Jimmie sputtered.

"I… I need your help," the Elite sounded almost embarrassed. Jimmie instantly regained his confidence.

"Oh, baby. Don't be scarred." Jimmie cooed.

"I never said I was scared…" The Elite said confused.

"What's your name, baby?"

"Ah… Fari'…"

"Fari', Jimmie's goona teach you all you need to know."

Fari' just stood there stunned as Jimmie began to take off his pants.

* * *

Tarturus walked into the Prophet's chamber, prepared to deliver the badnews.

"Prophet Truth, the last of the Covenant has fallen to these invaders." Tarturus said, hanging his head, "I am all that is left of our once great Covenant."

"We have seen darker times, Tarturus." The prophet said, giving what was sure to be his last sermon, "We will continue to fight, and these invaders will be defeated!"

* * *

Keys, Johnson, and CK walked past the flaming shells of once powerful Wraiths and stepped over the bodies of what was once the feared Covenant. The three warriors walked up to the cathedral's entrance, causing the automatic door to open. It revealed a long, dark passageway. At the end of that tunnel, was the end to this war.

* * *

Jimmie zipped up his pants, a big smile on his face. He lifted his rocket launcher over his shoulder and walked out the door. It opened up to reveal a long tunnel going down his left and right. Jimmie heard the sound of footsteps coming from one end of the tunnel.

"Fari', something's coming from down the tunnel." Jimmie said, cautiously walking down the dark tunnel. Fari' was right behind him with a confused look on her face.

"What just happened?" Fari' asked, bewildered.

"Shh," Jimmie said, knelling to better aim his rocket launcher. "I only got one shot left, so let's hope it takes care of whatever's down there."

Jimmie fired his last rocket, which went flying down the tunnel. The rocket flew only a few yards when it exploded in mid air.

"What the…" Jimmie said, confused. Then he saw three figures walk through the smoke. "No way,"

"Jimmie, you trying to kill us. Cause your just gonna waist your ammo." Johnson said, angrily.

"How did you stop that rocket?" Jimmie asked.

"No scoped it," Johnson said, proudly.

"No way. That's impossible…"

Johnson held his scopeless rifle up for Jimmie to see, "Do you _see_ a scope on this rifle?"

"Damn…" Jimmie shook off his amazement, "CK, where the fuck did you go off to?"

"Kill Covenant," Smaka said.

"B-but there were tons of Covenant where you left me to die. Why didn't you kill those?"

CK just shrugged his shoulders.

"Whatever, I got laid and that's all that matters."

"You got laid?" CK asked. Jimmie nodded. "By who?"

Jimmie pointed to the Elite behind him.

Johnson drew his rifle, "**Covenant!"**

**The amount of own that was laid down upon that ally Elite so gruesome, it had to be cut from this story.**

* * *

The Prophet Truth and Tarturus were side by side, looking at the four warriors in front of them. The final battle had finally come. The battle that would end this war once and for all. But before that, came the customary good guys acting badass scene.

Jimmie went first, since he of course was the least badass. "Since I ran out of rockets back there, I had to pick up a knew weapon…" Jimmie pulled out from behind his back a Covenant Energy sword. "Check it out. Cool, huh?"

Next was Keys. She stole Jimmie's sword and exchanged it for an SMG, thus one-upping Jimmie.

Then came Johnson, "Hey Tarturus, I woulda been your daddy, but the dog beat me over the fence!" He then slammed another clip into his sniper.

And last was the most bad ass of them all. Through all of this, Tarturus remained unfazed by this show of badassery, but CK was going to change that. "So, Tarter sauce. You think you're brave, huh?" he held up his hand, "Well, let me just _steal_ that bravery, and turn it into your death."

A few seconds passed by and nothing happened.

"What the fuck…?" Smaka asked, confused as to why nothing was happening.

"Dude," Jimmie explained, "You can't steal intangibles and turn them into weapons. It's against the rules."

"Rules? What rules? I could do shit like that in the last chapter!"

"Yeah, but that was a different author. This author believes that there's rules to your powers that you can't break."

"WHAT! Rules_ I _can't break! Fuck that! I'm going to go kill the author


	8. Pwned

Tartarus, Jimmy, and Keys were all standing around looking at each other, thoroughly confused. Johnson, on the other hand, had taken out a cigar and seemed to be waiting for something. CK was nowhere to be seen. "Where did the dark one go?" Tartarus inquired.

"Don't worry, he'll kick your sorry ass in a second. He went to go take care of something," Johnson replied.

"Are you talking about that Comit guy?" Keys asked. "That guy was pissing me off. I mean, the whole Ripping the scope off thing was brilliant, but my 'Bad-Ass' thing to do was stealing a banshee? What the Fuck? People do that in fucking Matchmaking every day. If Suplex had written that, I would have grenade jumped into the air, beat down the banshee out of the air with my bare hands, fed the Pilot a sticky grenade, stole his brute shot, and used the tree shots within to kill the five Wraiths before I hit the ground."

"Yo, even worse than that, I tapped Covie ass! That's some nasty shiznit, dawg! She tried to give me dome and-" 10 Sniper Bullets, 6 Bruteshot Grenades, and one Tartarus Hammer collided with Jimmy's skull.He was unable to finish. Duh.

* * *

"OMG Please don't kill me, dude!"

"Oh, don't worry Comet. I'm not going to kill you just yet." CK proceeded to steal Comit's pussy-ness. This caused that chick that was in that class or something to immediately become Comit's biotch and she appeared in the room.

"What the hell? Is that the guy from **_THE PICTURE_**? It is! That's Cracka Smacka!" Before she could utter another word, she and CK were bangin'. After a few hours of Comit crying and chick whose name I don't know's squeals of joy, CK got up and backhanded Comit.

"THAT'S what I do to rules. Got it? Now, I've got to go kill a fucking Monkey. If you EVER do something like this again… dying will be the least of your worries. Oh, and one more thing." CK turned the Pussy-ness he had stolen from Comit into brass knuckles and soundly beat Comit's roommate to death. "Black Power medal, bitch!"

* * *

Tartarus stomped his foot impatiently. "That fool. I knew he couldn't kill me. He ran away like a fucking pussy."

Jimmy attempted to bring himself back to his feet as he spoke. "N-no w-way, dawg… He'll c-come lay yo ass out in a minute, yo…"

"Shut the fuck up Jimmy. Now, where was I?" CK said, despite that fact that I'm almost positive he wasn't in the room.

"You went to go kill the author so you could be allowed to steal the Brute's fear and turn it into him-dead." replied.Keys.

"Is that why? I'd never kill anyone with an insta-kill! That's fucking stupid. Watch this." With that, CK reached for the floor and, in a flash, transformed the entire Covenant homeworld into a Tartarus Hammer. He then stole Tartarus's Tartarus hammer. The three marines that were now floating in space watched in awe as CK beat the shit out of Tartarus with Dual Wielded hammers. Even Tartarus was impressed with his ass-whoping. Or he would have been if not for the intense pain of Suffocation + Dual hammers.

Finally, CK tossed one of the hammers over his shoulder and it reformed the Covenant Homeworld before flying into their sun. Johnson then used Unified Theory of Bad-Assery to summon the Warp-Pelican and the four piled in. However, that's not how the unified theory of Bdassery works. The author knew this, but he was certain that his blatant disregaurd would piss Comit off even more.

"You know…" Sgt. Johnson said. "It's funny… but I almost feel bad… Now that there's no more covenant, who am I gonna pwn?"

A large grin began to spread over CK's face. He then transformed Jimmy into a picture of Jimmy and began his speech. "Exhibit A: The Cracka."

THE END (of crackas)


	9. I hate you Neo

Damn that was bad ass… I got totally owned by CK.

now its the end.

P.S. **STOP STEALING MY FUCKING ACCOUNT!**


End file.
